Are you trying to shrink yourself?!
Building confidence and a sense of empowerment is at the very heart of You By Anthea. My own personal journey and over 10 years of working with clients has led me to expand from nutrition therapy and personal training a much broader approach. Improving self esteem comes from within and that link between body and mind is crucial for this!
Shrinking ourselves?
On a physical level shrinking may be something that we focus on in terms of weight or size. And of course, if healthy fat loss is your goal, then that makes sense. (Although personally I like to focus what you will be gaining in terms of strength, muscle, self worth and esteem, energy, sex drive and other positives).
But in other areas, a lack of confidence can encourage us (especially as women) to engage in behaviours and adopt habits that effectively shrink ourselves. This can show up in some suprising ways!
See if any of these resonate:
Are you diminishing your achievements?
How to you react when someone praises or compliments you? Do you simply thank them, or do you downplay it, point out flaws or minimise any effort you put in? Even if it’s a compliment for an outfit (which still counts as effort to select and style it), do you find point out that it’s old or cheap - “This old thing?!”
Downplaying in this way is more common that many of us realise. My challenge for you is for the next time you receive praise – limit yourself to a smile and thank you. Don’t say any more! This might be uncomfortable but try it out and allow yourself to feel the pride that you deserve. Of course, acknowledge credit where it’s due for team projects etc. but allow yourself to acknowledge your efforts. Feeling that pride can be a fantastic motivation tool for you to reach your goals.
How much are you apologising?
Another challenge for you. Count how many times you say sorry in one day. The number at the end of it may be an awful lot higher than you imagine! Take it to the next level and consider what those apologies were for. Chances are most of them wouldn’t be necessary.
Of course, we want to say sorry when we need to, but have you ever found yourself saying “Sorry, excuse me” as you are trying to move past someone on the street or in the supermarket? I know that a lot of this can be cultural – but in this case, a simple “excuse me” is polite enough! Do you find yourself apologising for “bothering” someone when you are simply asking a question, or even requesting a service from someone employed to provide that very service?!
Over-apologising can have a negative impact. Internally it can start to erode your self-esteem and contribute to feelings of anxiety. Externally it can undermine your credibility. If you appear less confident, others may not feel confident about you. In relationships, it can also create an unhealthy dynamic and a power imbalance.
Justifying yourself unnecessarily
If you have a tendency to people please, then this one may particularly strike a chord. You may find yourself doing this in a relationship when you want to make time and space for something that’s important to you. The clients I have worked with most successfully have had clear communication and support, with their partners in investing in their health goals and the benefits to the whole family being easily recognised – but this isn’t always the case. When it comes to doing something for ourselves in that family environment, some women may feel a sense of guilt – even though we may understand that we cannot serve from an empty cup.
Fearing or anticipating a negative reaction from others can also prompt us to justify more than we need to. Setting boundaries can help with this, especially with regards to our free time.
Are there things in your life that you are feeling a need to over explain or rationalise? In the same spirit of accepting praise, once you’re given a reason – stop talking! Half the time you’ll find you that no one questions or judges, and if you’re prompted to explain more, feel free not to. You can still be polite and shut it down.
Staying Silent
This can be a more complex one. Sometimes we might rationalise not speaking out to avoid causing conflict or drawing too much attention to ourselves. But if someone has done something that negatively impacts you or someone else, then staying quiet effectively gives that person(s) permission to do that again. And to take an altruistic perspective, you speaking out can encourage others to as well.
Speaking out doesn’t have to lead to confrontation. Expressing your feelings and thoughts doesn’t need to be challenging to anyone else, but may take a little practice. If you find it difficult to speak up in a group setting, then arrange a one to one chat with who you need to afterwards.
Which of these resonate the most with you? Have you consciously made changes to build or rebuild your confidence? And are there any that you might add?